Tool # 2: Focus on the Problem
Picture that it’s been such a fun and great weekend with your kids. You’ve had a weekend of laughs, fun, and that real sense of connection. But now it’s time to get some work done - the laundry needs to be folded, the sports/activity gear needs to be put away, and so on. At breakfast, I speak with the kids about how much fun we’ve had the past 2 days but it’s time to all work together and get some stuff done. We agree on a list of things we are going to do starting at 10 am that morning after I come back from a yoga class. Ready, go team!
At 10 am, I come back from my yoga class all zen and call for the girls to stop watching TV. I excitedly say, “Let’s work on our task list now, girls!” Pause….one kid grumbles yes and goes to get changed before we dive in. The other kid starts questioning my directives. “What are you talking about? We never agreed to a task list. Why are you asking me to do this now? You said I had nothing to do today.”
What the heck? I used all my guidelines as a clear parent (and leader) by setting the vision, aligning on the steps to get there together, and communicating what to expect, and when. Did she really not remember our conversation?
We start fighting.
“Why don’t you remember our discussion?”
“You told me we didn’t have anything to do today!”
We are going back and forth.
And then I remembered a key tool, “Focus on the Problem.” And the real problem - which isn’t the miscommunication from earlier today. The real problem is that we have stuff that needs to get done around the house today. If I keep focusing on who said what, it will only diminish our relationship. The power struggle with my daughter will become even more painful. But if we instead shift to the problem (get housework done), then we can become a team working towards a goal together.
Using this tool, it becomes less about the people, less about the emotions, and less about the past. It becomes more about collaborating with the other person to focus on the problem at hand. We become partners rather than adversaries. We become goal-oriented to move forward rather than rehashing the past which includes placing blame.
How can this apply to other situations?
At work, you and a difficult coworker are struggling to decide what is the best business decision. Past blame and emotions are coming into play. By neutralizing and asking, “What is the desired outcome that we both want? What is the real problem we are solving for?” you can move forward together.
In relationships, you and your partner are fighting about who cleaned up their dishes. Instead of blaming and yelling at one another, you can focus on the real problem that you are solving for - a clean and organized home. Without blame, you can more calmly discuss this.
In all 3 scenarios, we can see how human emotion can take over. And once we are blaming or getting angry, it only spirals into a worse situation. Not only will you not solve the problem, but you are damaging the relationship too. The goal is to strengthen the relationship and solve the problem.
So add Tool #2: Focus on the Problem to your toolbox as you seek to strengthen your relationships.