Saying No Without Guilt
Saying no can be hard sometimes. We might say yes for a variety of reasons even when we really want to say no. And yet, learning how to prioritize what we truly want means that we must master the skill of saying no. In last month’s client workshop, we dove into this topic, and I thought you would enjoy a peak behind the curtains of my client workshops.
First, let’s talk about why saying no might benefit us. Are you feeling stressed? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you stretched thin and feeling unhappy? After you come home from an event are you secretly wishing you didn’t go? These are all signs that maybe more “no’s” in your life would help.
Often, we juggle too many things. I know, I know, we want to say yes to it all, because YOLO! The kids will only be this age once. And we must make the most of every single moment! Yikes. But really, you won’t be happy or enjoy these moments if there’s just too much crammed in, or if it's not authentic to your wants.
Think of your life like a plate. You are about to walk down the line at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure, you can keep saying yes and loading it all onto your plate. (You really do have a skill for stacking things on top of each other!) But will you be able to walk back to your table without some of it falling off? And if you do make it back to the table, will you be able to eat it all…without feeling sick?
Like the plate at a buffet, we may overload our lives with too many commitments. So we need to pause and think about what we are choosing to add to our plates before moving on to the next thing.
Next, let’s examine why it’s hard to say no. Reasons many of us find it hard to say no:
Some of us are people pleasers - we want to be polite and make the other person happy or like us.
Some of us want to project a certain image - “yep, I am superwoman and can handle it all!”
Maybe some of us want to avoid a conflict - “it really is just easier to say yes.”
And some of us may be experiencing high pressure and expectations, such as a boss breathing down your neck.
Understanding why you often say yes when you really want to say no is important. Take a moment and reflect on your own situation - why do you find it hard to say no?
Now, let’s make it a little easier using my 3-step framework.
Check in with yourself using your strong self-awareness skills. What are your top values? What is your energy level? What’s important to you right now?
Assess how this new ask will fit in with your life. How will it enhance your life? Will it bring joy, happiness, learning, difficulty or ____ (fill in the blank)? Logistically, when will you do this? What do you have to give up to say yes/no?
Would a compromise work? Does the request need to be exactly as asked or can it be changed? Think about the scope or timeline, does it truly work for you? What would need to change to make this a yes? Is there a portion that you want to say yes to?
During my client workshop last month, we used real-life scenarios from clients to test the limits and there were some big “aha” moments. One client wanted to keep mentoring more junior women at her company, but she doesn’t feel like she has time anymore with a giant promotion and increased responsibility. Mentoring aligns with her values and brings her joy. So step #3 was critical to think about (compromise), maybe mentor once quarterly instead of once monthly. Shifting the parameters of the situation makes it more doable. She turned a guilty no into an excited YES.
Another client was asked to join a volunteer group. She likes the people involved and cares deeply about the mission of the organization. But in step #1 as she did a self-check, she realized her energy levels are low right now. She is feeling depleted and doesn’t want to add more to her plate. Instead of saying yes to the volunteer opportunity, she confidently says no without guilt. She knows that she is choosing her health and energy by saying NO.
Think of a situation where you’re having a hard time saying no to it. Take it through the framework - what new clarity do you have? What still feels difficult?
Like building muscles at the gym, saying no becomes easier the more you do it. As a reforming people pleaser and hyper-achiever, it’s become easier for me as I stand firmly in the framework. And still…the exact moment to tell someone “no” can feel uncomfortable. Here are some helpful phrases to borrow:
I can’t add another commitment at this time.
While I can’t do it, I wonder if ____ can.
I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.
Thank you for thinking of me, but not at this time.
That sounds really interesting, can I check with you in 3 months to see if it’s still an option?
I’m honored that you asked me, but I simply can’t.
I already have plans - maybe next time.
No.
Remember, your time is precious! It’s literally the most valuable thing you have. By doing less, you can increase the quality of what you’re doing. And by saying no, you can say YES to other things that you truly love and bring you closer to living your values.
Let me know what you want to celebrate saying no to!